Survivor Caramoan: Shamar is an Ass

Every season of Survivor needs a good villain. And by villain I mean someone that you just love to hate. Richard Hatch was such a villain. Jerri Manthey was a good villain. So was Coach and so was Russell Hantz. Even Phillip made a good villain, even though he is now more of a cartoon character than villain. You root against them, but at the same time it’s kind of good to have them around for a long time as they add so much to the show’s dynamic. Think about it; if you don’t have Snidely Whiplash to torment Nell then you have no Dudley Do-Right. It’s just the way it is. But this season is different. We have Shamar and he is not a good villain. I am not even sure if he is a bad villain. I think he’s just a clueless asshole with incredible anger issues. He serves no purpose on the show whatsoever. He’s not a hero and not a villain. He’s not likeable in the least and he appears to be despised by everyone except Sherri, who sees him as a cranky teenager working in one of her fast food restaurants.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Gota returned to camp after a vicious tribal council and instead of being gracious and thankful that the tribe kept him, Shamar began a tirade. He was screaming and yelling at Reynold which I can sort of understand, but not really. I mean Reynold did not get his way and his “not that cute” girl Allie was ousted. So why not come back to camp, regroup and ready yourselves for the next challenge? Why start fights? But not only does Shamar scream and yell at Reynold, but he also starts in on the very people that saved his sorry ass. He was fighting with Matt for…well, I really don’t’ know what for. Then he was yelling at Julia because…well, I have no idea. He is just an angry man that needs some serious therapy and medications. How he passed the psychological exam to get on the show is beyond me.

The next morning Shamar gets it in his head that he is going to quit. We, the audience, know this is a load of crap and there is no way he is going to quit no matter how much he whines. It’s all part of Shamar’s bizarre strategy, which I think I have figured out:

1. Be lazy around camp and do virtually nothing
2. Yell at everyone
3. Make everyone dislike you
4. Pretend to quit
5. Put the self-proclaimed attractive people in your tribe on the no talk list
6. Call everyone a liar and then lie about everything you have said
7. Be a general asshole

Shamar tells us that “My happiness is not worth a million. I’m not going to be the angry black man on Survivor. It’s not gonna happen.” That had to be one of my favorite lines of the night because IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED! Shamar is the “angry black man on Survivor”. It’s too late Shamar. You have assumed the role and you are playing it exceptionally well. Sherri tells us that she is used to working with obnoxious teens in her line of work and Shamar is no different. This should be upsetting to both Shamar and Sherri. When a 27 year old Marine Corps veteran has the emotional maturity of an 18 year old kid working at Checkers there is something horribly wrong. Then just as he was telling his tribe he was out of there he was “convinced” by Sherri to stay and somehow, as Reynold stated, became the hero for not quitting. How is this even possible?

Let’s go over to Bikal where Phillip is busy comparing himself to Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. Once I stopped laughing I continued to listen to his nonsense. If I did not know it before I certainly know it now; Phillip has no idea what he is saying. He starts pretending to dribble a basketball, tells us he is going to double dribble (which, if I remember correctly, is illegal) and then takes the shot. When he takes the shot he proclaimed “all air baby”. I was instantly hysterical because Phillip had just told us all about his prowess on the court with men half his age and the best he can do on an imaginary shot is shoot an air ball. (For those of you unfamiliar with basketball an air ball is when the shot goes up and hits nothing; not the rim, not the backboard, not the net. Nothing but air) I think the term you were looking for Phillip was “nothin’ but net”. Idiot!

Meanwhile, Phillip and Cochran tried on some crazy hats while Cochran then waxed poetically about how nice it was to be around hot girls in their underwear. You are the man Cochran! Now, take off that silly hat and go back to your coral throne. That seat was awesome.

Corinne, still trying to figure out who Malcolm is and why he is a favorite, joins forces with him and they proceed to find the not so hidden immunity idol. Seriously guys, what is the point of having these things if they can be found with the ease of finding sand on the beach? I kind of like the idea of NOT having any hidden immunity idols at all and seeing how much time the people waste looking for one. Anyway, once Malcolm found it and showed it to Corinne he got what was quite possibly the greatest Survivor hug of all time. Corinne may be pregnant after that hug. Heck, Malcolm may be pregnant!

Because we had not yet heard any nonsense from Brandon yet it was time for that. Andrea and Cochran discussed him joining their alliance, to which he agreed. Then we heard Brandon tell us, in his very Hantz way, that he intends to “pee in the rice, pee in the beans and burn the shelter to the ground” if he is stabbed in the back by said alliance. Atta boy Brandon, the best way to make yourself a necessary part of any alliance is by threatening to urinate on food.

Off to the challenge which is another combined challenge for both reward and immunity. Brandon is so excited about this that he screamed when his tribe arrived and then proceeded to urinate on Jeff for no particular reason. Okay, only one of those things happened but I’ll leave that to you to decide which one.

The challenge involved swimming out to a cage, climbing over it, opening a gate, moving a heavy crate out and dragging it to the beach. Then they get the crate on a track and then they themselves have to get on the track and use a grappling hook to fill in the missing pieces of the track. First team to the finish gets immunity and reward.

As the teams ready to start the challenge we see Shamar standing on the beach clearly wearing a mask. Then after the team gets into the cage he starts screaming that he does not have the mask and cannot go under because he is wearing contacts. I swear this guy will scream at his tribe about anything and everything. Where did the mask go? I don’t know. Maybe I missed it when I sneezed of something, but Shamar had it and then he didn’t. So naturally it’s is most appropriate to yell at Reynold. While the challenge went back and forth like a one on one between Larry Bird and Magic Johnson it was Bikal that came out on top sending Brandon into another delirious scream of joy and sending Shamar back to camp to scream at everyone.

While Shamar continues to yell at everyone and informs Reynold that he is no longer allowed to speak to him, Sherri devises the plan to split the vote 3-3 for Eddie and the lusciously sexy Hope knowing that the alliance of three will vote for Shamar and thus sending them to a tiebreaker where they can then oust Hope. I cannot tell you how much I hated this idea. And I am sure that if he were on that tribe Cochran would be against it as well since he likes sexy half-naked women on the beach. So the plan is in place and naturally Shamar decides that it would be a good idea to share this plan with Hope. This is what we call in the business, stupid on so many levels. Naturally Hope tells Julia that Shamar told her the plan and this sends everyone in a tizzy. Thus we then get the next great tease of the night where Laura goes up to Reynold and tells him that she and Julia will go against the Sherri alliance and vote with the beautiful three to get rid of Shamar. At this point I knew two things:

1. It was an excellent idea because Shamar is a cancer to the entire tribe and needs to go. And even with Shamar gone Sherri’s alliance still has a 5-3 advantage and can pick off Hope, Reynold & Eddie one by one.
2. It would never happen. We never saw Laura and Julia come to the conclusion that they would stick with the original plan and not do the smart thing, but I knew they would.

So it was off to another contentious and dysfunctional tribal council where people would talk about things that Shamar said or did followed by Shamar calling them all liars and saying he never said/did those things. There was shouting and screaming and once again Reynold held on to his immunity idol. As expected we had the three way tie for Eddie, Hope and Shamar and as expected Hope was voted out in the revote. I am at a total loss to understand this way of thinking. Julia does not appear to like Shamar, yet she will not vote for him. Matt has expressed his dislike of Shamar several times yet will not cast a vote his way. Laura makes a fake deal with Reynold to what end? What purpose did that serve? And now one of the most beautiful and sexy women to ever play the game of Survivor is gone and she is gone well before she could be seen on the jury which also means that she and Allie will be essentially unseen on the reunion show. This is sad. Very, very sad. What is worse is that stupid smirk on Shamar’s face. If I was not a pacifist I’d slap that smirk all the way to Cambodia. Damn you pacifism!

So what’s next? How much more Shamar must we endure? Which hot babe will get the adoration of Sir Griffin now? I still have Brenda (at least I think I do since I barely saw her this week) and Andrea. And speaking of not seeing people did anyone see Dawn or Erik? How do people disappear like that? Until next week my friends…Mahalo.