Survivor Redemption Island: The Self Proclaimed King is Dead
Our episode began with Russell meeting up on Redemption Island with Matt. Russell, of course, was expecting Francesca, but he was confident that he would easily defeat Matt. Russell made the claim that he was far from done in the game and boy was he angry. He wanted to “bitch slap” all the members of his tribe. He had nothing good to say about any of them
At Ometepe we were treated to some fabulous shots of Phillip in his saggy fuchsia undies. What a delight this man has turned out to be. He disgusts everyone on his tribe, yet he is still around. He spent the morning sweeping dirt off of the dirt and annoying everyone. (Sweeping dirt off of the ground to uncover more dirt has been a specialty of secret agents for years) Phillip got his spear out and chased helpless crabs, but it appeared the crabs outsmarted him easily. Boston Rob was repulsed by the saggy underwear and frankly who wouldn’t be? Just think of this one Rob; the longer you keep him around the more weight he will lose and the looser those undies will become.
Phillip went over to get the tree mail and like any good secret agent he used the rolled up scroll as a spyglass. I wonder how far he could see down the beach with that little invention. Anyway, the mail was giving two castaways the chance to go see the festivities over in the Redemption Island Arena. They could pull colored rocks/marbles again, but they were also given the choice of selecting two to go and watch the fun. Phillip said that he would like to go and since no one objected he asked Kristina to join him. I think the rest of the tribe was thrilled to have the two of them away for a while so all agreed.
At Zapatera the Russell lovers, Stephanie and Krista were off sunning themselves on the beach (which was way hot and super sexy; more of this please) and the solid six were pleased to have them away for a while. That’s when Ralph just could not hold it in any longer. He just had to tell everyone that he had the idol. Why? To what purpose was that Ralph? I don’t get the strategy and I don’t understand why no one can keep the idol a secret. Even the great Russell could not do it. Ralph, you are a trendsetter. You have proven you can outsmart the great one. You have started a national trend of wearing overalls. We could shave your back and chest and make a new wig for Donald Trump. Why Ralph, why? But, Ralph would get even dumber before we even got through the first thirty minutes. Ralph and Sarita were the chosen two to head over to watch the gladiators battle it out. The toadies were displeased about being left out, but no one cared.
Matt and Russell were faced with a challenge of placing blocks of wood like dominoes while avoiding trip wires that would knock them all down. The first one to get their blocks to fall and release a ball to break a tile (dang they break a lot of times in Nicaragua) would win. Matt took the early lead and his former tribe mates cheered him on. But Matt’s first attempt failed as the blocks were spaced a little too far apart. The game was Russell’s to win, but the same fate awaited him in his attempt. Then Matt had the upper hand once again and this time he would not fail. The blocks fell, the ball was released, the tile shattered and Russell was finished. Russell’s little toadies felt a disturbance in the force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Personally I threw my arms up exuberantly and yelled woo hoo.
Russell broke down and began to cry. He was a broken and defeated little troll (if I may borrow from the great Charlie Sheen) and he was no longer winning. Jeff allowed him a little time to cry like a little baby, but to his credit Russell said he could not go out this way and began one final verbal reign of terror. He baited Ralph and unfortunately Ralph took the bait. Ralph had to show Russell that he had him beaten on all fronts. So much so that he announced that he had found the idol 15 seconds in to the show. Russell asked him to show it and he would have had Sarita not stopped him. Then Ralph lied and said he did not have the idol, but one cannot lie in the presence of a super spy like Phillip. Phillip said (for the 7692nd time) that he was a federal agent and made his living knowing when people were lying. Ralph’s secret was out to everyone right now and how that will play out has yet to be seen, but one can only wonder of the power of Ralph had he kept his mouth shut. Russell threw his buff in the fire and left as a strange, sad little man. He said that this was the last time he would ever do Survivor. Let’s see a show of hands on who actually believes that?
While Ometepe was without everyone’s favorite spy and no one’s favorite crazy lady Rob had and idea. He came up with an idea to allow him to search for the idol with no one in camp to look. He used the old “I’ve got constipation” trick. But first he dragged everyone down the beach to play a game he called Royal Treatments. Once the gang was all out of the camp Rob feigned constipation and headed off into the woods to take care of business only there was no business to take care of except searching for the idol. Rob searched the trees and under rocks. He dug holes and worked up a sweat. I thought the sweat was a great addition because it made him look like he was working really hard to drop that deuce. Rob had about 40 trees to search and finally found the idol in tree number 39. So now Rob has a definite advantage, but will he keep it a secret? One would think Rob would be smart enough to do so, but time will tell.
Phillip came back to camp with a plan. Not a good one, but a plan nonetheless. For some reason Phillip wanted to make a deal for Kristina, whom he has said in the past that he did not like and has voted for at tribal council. He went to the Godfather, Rob, and told him he would give him the skinny on what happened on Redemption Island if he would do something for Kristina. This is when Rob had the line of the night with “Don’t you work for me?” It did not matter what Rob said as Phillip was going to spill the beans anyway. I wonder if back in the day he went into Starbucks and asked for free coffee in exchange for federal agent secrets.
It was time for the challenge, which was obviously sponsored by Sears and their Craftsman tools. The challenge was this: send a tribe member to open a crate with a crowbar and reveal a shovel. Then the next would take the shovel and dig up a hatchet. Then someone would take the hatchet and chop a log that would release two saws. Then two people would take the saws and saw off some planks from a wall. Then two more would take the planks to make a ramp to a platform. Then someone would untie a hammer. Then that hammer would be used to drive in three nails to break three tiles (again with the tiles?) and when those three tiles were smashed they would place the Craftsman tool chest on the table and win not only immunity, but a barbecue feast. I am not sure what my favorite part of this challenge was, but I think it was when Mike kept on yelling “just pull it out”. Zapatera took the lead, but Ometepe caught up. However, Zapatera continued their dominance and won yet again leaving us to hear Ralph crow like a rooster once again. You gotta love that.
While the folks at Zapatera enjoyed their feast our friends at Ometepe were treated by a pep talk from Phillip. Why is it that the pep talks from Phillip make you want to jump off a cliff? I want to jump and I am sitting in a comfy chair at home so I cannot imagine how annoying he must be in person. Well Phillip impressed absolutely no one and he was the easy target to be voted off. But then came some debate as to vote off Phillip or to get rid of the also annoying, but not nearly as much, Kristina. Some of the girls were fearful that Kristina had the idol, but instead of breaking down and showing his idol to the world Rob wisely chose to split the vote. The things you learn after four tours of Survivor duty. (Heh, heh. I just wrote duty)
At tribal council we learned that Phillip not only is a former federal agent, is both a gorilla and a lion (a gorilion?) but he also has The Shepherd Stamp. What is that you ask? I have no idea. Maybe Coach knows. He knows everything. Anyway it appeared to come down to Phillip and Kristina as expected and I really wondered what the heck Phillip was trying to do earlier when he wanted Rob to work a deal for Kristina. He clearly hates her, he talked about her poorly at tribal and he voted for her! And it was quite clear that she did not like him either. Frankly I think we had a situation here where we had two people that had no idea how to play the game and were doing anything they could to stay alive. But it was Kristina that was ultimately removed from the game and sent to face off with Matt at Redemption Island.
Can Matt keep his winning streak going? Will Kristina pull an upset? Can Russell’s girls figure out a way to stay in the game so we can get some more sexy sunbathing shots? Will Phillip continue to flaunt his saggy fuchsia undies around camp? I guess we will just have to tune in again next week and see.
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