Survivor Redemption Island: Stealth R Us
Krista arrived at Redemption Island and found Matt doing an amazing Claude Rains imitation. She snuggled up next to him in an effort to stay dry and warm. They seemed to get along quite well due to their bonding over God, but both of them knew that only one of them would survive the upcoming death match. So naturally they prayed about it. This was very confusing for me and brought up several questions as they prayed together on the beach.
1. Does God really have nothing better to do than to intervene in a challenge between two schmucks on a reality show? Again, there are also sorts of travesties going on in the world, but you two felt it necessary to pray about your little game? Whatever happened to compassion? What about starving children, abused women or hopelessly stupid people that are members of that tea party?
2. Matt specifically prayed for the challenge to be done for God’s glory. I really thought that it was to be done for the viewer’s entertainment and to keep you in the game, but that’s just me I guess. How exactly does throwing a grappling hook into sand glorify God anyway?
3. They make pink bibles? Wouldn’t it have been great if the bible was fuchsia to match Phillip’s panties?
The challenge was simple. Use that aforementioned grappling hook to snag three bags in the sand. Once you had all three bags you could open one and get out a ball to use on one of those giant mazes with holes in it. Krista took the early lead and looked to be well on her way, but Matt did not panic. When Krista dropped her ball and had to start over Matt made the most of his opportunity and won his fourth straight challenge. Okay, it appears that Jesus must really love Matt for he cannot lose. Krista handed over her pink bible to Matt and I thought the guy was going to burst into tears much in the same way I react when I get my new Hooters calendar every year. They hugged and said their goodbyes and Andrea did not like this at all. She said she did not like seeing this side of Matt. Now it is debatable whether she was referring to his passion for Jesus or his passion for blonds, but I have to think it was a combination of the two.
While this was going on Stephanie was busy pouting over at Zapatera. Steve was miffed that his name was written down twice at the previous tribal council and confronted her about it. Steve, why are you so upset about this? Have you lost track of the fact that this is a game and maybe you are not popular with everyone? You had singled out Krista as the next to go and it was obvious your next target was Stephanie so why get yourself all worked up over what was essentially nothing? Stephanie told him they just decided to vote for the weakest competition, but did it really matter? Your name will be written down again at some point Steve and you have much more to worry about as it appears that your solid six is falling apart at the seams. Sarita was suffering from some sort of self diagnosed bacterial infection in her mouth that she apparently got from flossing with a stick. The girl is not too bright.
At Ometepe we had our bathing beauties proudly doing nothing on the beach. It was, after all, another beach day for them. This did not sit well with our favorite federal agent (?) Phillip. In fact he was getting really annoyed as he constantly checked the fire. He held in his displeasure as long as possible and then finally yells at Natalie & Ashley for being beauty queens. Ashley then struck back as any good beauty queen would and Phillip said that there was a storm brewing and they would be stuck with wet wood. I have to say that the phrase “wet wood” made me laugh, but then again I have always been quite childish. Phillip then declared the next day as fire free and that there would be a new attitude or something like that. Phillip continued on his march and followed Ashley down the beach (and if you have ever gotten a good look at the way her ass looks in her bikini you would follow her too). It was time for a little sanity and Boston Rob intervened. Rob said it “was time to play Arafat in the peace process and bring the tribe back together”. That was my favorite line of the night, aside from wet wood of course.
At the challenge we had the old favorite of launching a ball into the air with a catapult and catching it with Annette. What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry. They were catching it with a net not Annette. This would be followed by a delicious lunch and a scenic view up on a mountain overlooking San Juan del Sur and under a giant statue of Jesus. (That guy is everywhere) I have always loved this challenge, but only if it is done right. And by that I mean having a hot girl in a bikini crouching down to launch the balls. Sarita decided to sit out the challenge because one cannot catch balls with a net if one has a self diagnosed bacterial infection from flossing with a stick. Thankfully, both teams selected wisely and we had Natalie and Stephanie launching the balls in the air. Grant became a one man wrecking crew and dominated the challenge by catching four out of the needed five balls to win the challenge. Rob caught the other and Ometepe had won 5-0.
Up on the mountain under Jesus, Ometepe enjoyed their meal. Rob had spotted a clue on the table for the idol. Not that it mattered, but he and Grant grabbed it and snuck away to take a look at it. Phillip saw what they were doing and confronted them. Phillip was not happy that the two of them attempted to keep him out of the loop. He was somehow under the impression that they were an alliance known as “Stealth R Us”. Aside from that being possibly the worst name for an alliance ever, this instance awoke the lion and the gorilla. It also prompted Phillip to wave the flag as much as humanly possible by mentioning that he served his country for four years, 11 months and 13 days. I was slightly surprised that I did not hear some tepid patriotic tune and see an American flag superimposed behind Phillip.
Meanwhile, David was doing some heavy lobbying to his tribe to get rid of Sarita and keep Stephanie around a while longer. Heck, Stephanie even listened to David’s advice and apologized to Steve for voting for him. Apologize? For playing the game? What is this world coming to? Sarita, for her part, was still in pain but was sure her trustworthiness outweighed Stephanie’s ability to actually participate effectively in challenges. So it was off to tribal council to see who would win and who would be off to face the mighty Matt, his pink bible and his partner Jesus.
At tribal Stephanie and Sarita exchanged barbs at one another and David spoke up as well defending his new friend Stephanie and completely trashing Sarita. Stephanie claimed that Sarita was “shaking in her boots” when she found out they were doing a physical challenge. Sarita denied this, of course, and said that Stephanie could believe whatever she wanted. David made a valiant effort to sway the vote to Sarita, but in the end it was Stephanie that was sent packing. Stephanie made a great statement though when she said of Sarita “I’ll see you on Redemption and I’ll kick your ass then”. Great line, but Stephanie still has to get past the mighty Matt to have any hope for that battle. I am looking forward to what Matt is like with another lovely lady at his side. Will he flirt with her the way he did with Krista and further alienate Andrea?
Just keep watching my friends…
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