Survivor: South Pacific: Pull it out Cochran

Brandon Hantz

 Mikayla, the enchanting siren, was at it again.  Taunting young Odysseus Hantz to come on over and be seduced by her feminine charms.  Couldn’t you hear her singing the songs as she tempted our young, God loving and married Brandon to her side?  No?  Neither could I.  Never has there been a more one sided relationship.  Well, perhaps never is a very strong word as I recall many relationships in high school that were decidedly one sided.  Some of which the girl never actually knew that I was in a relationship with her and still more that the girl did not even know of my existence.  But that’s exactly what Brandon has with Mikayla.  I don’t think she has shown one iota of interest in young Brandon.  I’m sure she looks at him the same way girls in my high school looked at me.  She probably even says the same thing that they said, “Ewwww!”  Simply put, Brandon cannot control his lustful feelings and has simply become a stalker.  Once again Brandon, there will always be women in the world and approximately 50% of them will be attractive (that number changes to about 0.7% if you were to see the women that work in my office) so you better get used to it.

But more on that moron later, let’s get to the beginning of the show where we saw Semhar make a brief appearance to recite some poetry.  Listening to that drivel made me realize how correct her tribe was for voting her off.  All I could think of was the poor camera and sound people stuck out there with her having to listen to that.  As we will learn later, Semhar is a heavy sleeper.  Bamboo be damned!

Back at Savaii Cochran was busy thanking everyone for giving him another chance and he promised to be a new Cochran.  The only problem I had with this was the way he spent the next morning constantly referring to himself in the third person as New Cochran.  New Cochran used a machete to open a coconut despite being told by his mother to not ever use a machete on the island.  Well overprotective mom be damned, this was New Cochran and the coconut milk tasted just that much sweeter knowing he had done it himself.  Frankly after watching him almost cutting his fingers off I would have to agree with mom’s advice. 

Over at Upolu Brando took a walk with Coach.  Now under normal circumstances this would not be a big deal, but when you have Coach everything is a big deal.  First of all, as they walked the censors at CBS took the time to blur out Coach’s groin are which really creeped me out.  Did Coach take “it” out?  Was Coach actually walking into the jungle with “it” out?  Were his “friends” just a little too sneaky and hanging out without Coach’s knowledge?  Too bizarre that Brandon never noticed that, but then again he seems to only have a problem with Mikayla’s boobs.  Anyway, Brandon decided he was not being honest with Coach (and since you’re playing a sneaky game who cares?) and decided that it was time to reveal his tattoos and let Coach know that he was Russell’s nephew.  (Also his full time job as you may recall)  Coach was a bit taken aback by this, but apparently not enough to put “it” away.  Coach laughed and then they committed their undying affection and trust for each other by taking the time to pray.  I’m not against prayer overall, but praying with a guy in the jungle with “it” hanging out is really going above and beyond the prayer handbook.

While Ozzy was out searching for and finding the immunity Idol at Savaii, Christine was busy at Upolu looking for the mere clue to the idol, which she found.  I have to say that I think it is time for the hidden immunity idol to go the way of the dinosaur.  One would have to think that if Rick Perry were in charge he would have certainly executed it by now.  But seriously, they have become way too easy to find, they are hardly ever used and when they are it is rarely dramatic.  Get rid of them once and for all and let players just think they are there.  Now that’s entertainment.  Christine was unable to locate the idol with her clue, but curiously wondered who she should share the clue with.  I can tell you that Christine:  Nobody!  You do not share it with a single person in your tribe!  Meanwhile, Ozzy climbed a tree and re-hid the idol.  Not sure that was the greatest idea, but at least it’s better than blabbing about it. 

By the way, what the hell was that thing on Edna’s head?  Did she make a hat out of an invitation to a challenge?  Do all anesthesiologists do that sort of thing? 

But then the siren struck again.  Yes, Mikayla had the nerve to fish in clear view of her stalker, Brandon.  As Brandon looked at her lustily and licked his lips, (Which is better than what Coach licked later) the seductive siren continued to go about her business of completely ignoring him and acting like he did not exist.  If Odysseus had come across the siren Mikayla he never would have gotten to Scylla & Charybdis.  Brando said “Being a married man I have to stay away from that kind of stuff”.  Stuff?  You mean women?  Again Brandon, pretty much every other person in the country is one of them so you may have a tough time avoiding them.  Again, it is obvious that Brandon is having lustful feelings for Mikayla and he thinks that is bad.  He said he had done some pretty bad things in the past, but unfortunately did not elaborate.  One can only imagine what he did and why it makes looking at a pretty girl a bad thing.  Meanwhile, the siren Mikayla continued to ignore him, which apparently just got him hotter.

John Cochran

Immunity challenge time!  Let’s all dance around the maypole.  Now I have memories of maypoles when I was a kid and they always seemed like fun, but never did they have a key attached at the top that one had to get to release my fellow tribe mates.  The task was as follows: four members of the tribe would unwrap the maypole and get the key.  One would then release the others from bondage and they would go to a puzzle to release a big crate and push it under a pole.  Then the entire tribe would pick it up and put it on a platform and win.  Edna sat this one out as she was busy making a new hat. 

Upolu, led by the athletic Mikayla, made quick work of the maypole while Savaii struggled a bit thanks to the lack of athleticism from Cochran.  This led to what was one of my favorite lines of the night when Ozzy yelled “pull it out Cochran, pull it out!”  You just gotta love sexual innuendo aimed at a nerdy guy dancing around a phallic symbol.  After jumping out to what Jeff called a huge lead, Upolu faltered and Savaii won their first immunity challenge.  Upolu missed the obvious and failed to blame the loss on Edna’s hat.

Brandon then began his campaign to get rid of Mikayla.  He did not want her around.  He did not want her within 500 feet of him.  The woman that barely knew of his existence was too much for him.  Brandon confided in his new BFF Coach and he compared her to previous contestant Parvati Shallow saying she was flirting with all the guys.  If she was doing that the producers have failed to show it and I cannot imagine they would not show something like that.  Apparently Brandon also, at one time, had the same feelings for Parvati.  Anyway, Brandon’s lust led to what just may be the greatest lines in Survivor history:

Brandon: All I keep thinking about is Parvati, Parvati Parvati.  She screwed many a man.

Coach: That’s for sure.

I don’t have to say anything else on that.  It stands on its own. 

After a lot of confusion, bickering, lies and stupidity it was time to head of to Tribal Council.  And I thought last week’s TC was fun!  This was so much better.

Coach, or Mr. Honesty, blatantly said that Christine & Stacey wanted to vote out Mikayla which

Christine Shields Markoski

brought put a look of shock from Mikayla as well as Christine & Stacey who had said no such thing.  Christine asked Mr. Honesty to reveal his source, which he refused to do.  Brando just sat there fidgeting like a child and looking around like he had no idea what was going on.  But then Brando must have got a message from God or something because he raised his hand and confessed it was he that “kinda” told them to vote for the siren.  This confused Mikayla even further as she just now realized that there was a guy named Brandon on her tribe.  What a mess it was and you could tell by the sheepish grin on the face of Coach that he was loving every minute of it.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Coach is a gift from the Survivor gods. 

As they went to vote I had no clue which way the vote was going to go and neither did Jeff.  I really wish that all TC’s were this way.  After Coach took his parchment and wrote down his vote he took a second to lick it before putting his vote in the urn.  Ewwww!  What in the world is the purpose of that?  Did he think he was sealing an envelope or something?  Again, Coach is a gift.

In the end it was Christine who was voted out and sent to Redemption Island.  She seemed surprised, which is always fun.  She arrived at RI to a sleeping Semhar and proceeded to nudge her in an attempt to wake her up.  What are you doing Christine?  Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “Let sleeping bad poets lie”? 

Until next time my friends….