An Epic Debacle: The 83rd Annual Academy Awards

An open letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences:

What a mess.  It was a disaster of epic proportions.  I look forward to the Oscar telecast every year and then you give me this crap.  You people in charge really screwed up and you need some serious help to get this back on track.  Please allow me to name just a few of the things you did wrong and then let me tell you what to do to avoid a repeat of this disaster.

I like Anne Hathaway.  I really do.  I find her incredibly attractive and sexy.  She is not however, very entertaining as a host for an awards show.  I like James Franco too, but I do find him substantially less sexy.  Putting these two together may have been someone’s idea of a joke that somebody somehow thought was a good choice.  You could not have been more wrong.  Their “witty banter” was horrid.  They had an incredible lack of chemistry together and how you could not see this is beyond my comprehension.  Did they have writers or were they just making up dumb things as they went along? 

Anne was trying way too hard to be liked.  She was like a child wanting mommy & daddy to pay attention to her.  Never was this more evident than in the painful song she sang to past host Hugh Jackman.  I don’t think he had any idea what was going on and frankly neither did those of us watching at home.  Her complete silliness of bowing to some of the big stars made her look more than a bit stupid. 

James was like having a stone statue as a host.  He barely moved and when he did he looked like he was uncomfortable.  Who had the bright idea of putting him in a dress and then not doing anything with it?  If you are going to have a guy in drag at least have the decency to make a bit out of it because otherwise it’s just a guy in a dress.  Not funny.  James was more like his character in Pineapple Express than an Oscar host.  He looked bored and appeared to have rather been somewhere else all night long.  Did you hear the dead silence when he tried to make a joke of the Best Picture nominees sounding like porn films?  I sure did.

Who the hell had the bright idea of dragging Kirk Douglas out of mothballs?  The man has had an amazing and long career, but it’s over.  He had a stroke and while I have nothing against the handicapped I cannot see the point of putting the poor man out there and making him and the audience suffer.  Did you guys also consider having Dick Clark come out as Kirk’s interpreter?  Plus the guy came off as a horny old man that has had too much plastic surgery.  It was sad and pathetic the way he hit on Miss Hathaway and then Melissa Leo.  I don’t think any of the nominees were exactly sure what name he read.  I am pretty sure I saw Helena Bonham Carter say “it’s about time” when Kirk finally read the winner’s name after several long and boring delays.

Speaking of Melissa Leo, she said a bad word during her speech and the censors naturally censored it.  The fact that her swearing instantly became the high point of the show was just wrong.  And really Miss Leo, you can’t control yourself for a couple of minutes on one night?

The audience was begging for something interesting to happen and they were not going to get it from the hosts.  It’s almost like you knew this was going to suck so you sent out Billy Crystal to save the day if only for a few minutes.  The audience responded with a standing ovation and suddenly laughter was heard instead of forced chuckles and silence.  Billy hosted eight times and while I cannot say that each of his appearances was perfect, his worst night was 100 times better than this night. 

The only other thing that seemed to enliven the crowd was that guy with the big hair that won the Oscar for Best Documentary Short.  I think this guy would have been a better host.   

What can you do to fix this mess next year?  Well let me tell you just a few things…

• Get a comedian to host.  The show is at its best when someone is there to provide an opening monologue that is funny.  We don’t need someone up there that is just going to gush over seeing big stars.  We need someone who will take chances.  Someone who will let the stars know that they are not the greatest thing since whipped butter.  Maybe you can get Chris Rock back again.  He was funny and he kept the show moving.  Can’t get him?  Well here are some other people you need to seriously consider as a host: Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman, Billy Gardell and Jack Black. 
• Do not drag out elderly actors on their deathbed.  It’s sad and it is not how we want to remember them.  I’m sorry, but that’s the harsh truth. 
• Allow people to applaud during the In Memoriam segment.  Having them hold their applause until the end ruined the fun of seeing who would have gotten the most applause.  For the record, I had my money on Tony Curtis last night.  Oh and did you guys forget about Corey Haim?
• I realize that Oprah has a lot of money and influence in the world, but we do not want to see her presenting any awards.  Sure she’s done a few films and once upon a time got an Oscar nomination, but she’s really not an actress.  She’s a talk show host.  I hate Oprah so maybe I am a little biased, but would it have hurt to get maybe Jennifer Garner to present the award?  At least she works regularly in the movies.
• No more Celine Dion.  EVER!  I cannot stress this enough.  Didn’t she just have twins?  The kids need their mommy and daddy at home.  Don’t call her any more.
• Go back to having only five nominees for Best Picture.  10 was way too many especially since we knew there were only two films in serious contention anyway.

I cannot go on with this any longer.  It’s just pissing me off.  Will I watch again next year?  Of course I will.  I am a sucker for this show whether it is good or bad.  If it’s good I can bask in the glow of it and if it is bad I can bitch and complain about it.  It’s really a win-win situation for me.