Survivor Redemption Island: All Hail King Rob

Our show opened with the tribe returning from the racially wild tribal council we witnessed last week.  Steve, being ever the gentleman, reached out to Phillip and told him that there was no apologies needed and that all their problems were in the past.  They shook hands, made nice and went to bed.  (Not together)  But Phillip was not buying any of it.  Not even for a dollar.  Nope, Phillip felt that Steve was not being “genuous”, which can only mean one of two things:

1. Phillip has been taking English lessons from Ralph or
2. Phillip is an avid user of the Sarah Palin dictionary.

Either way it was perfectly fine with Boston Rob who proclaimed that “as long as he (Phillip) keeps up his stupid antics he’ll be coming with me all the way to the finals”.  If Rob does get to the finals it would be difficult to vote against him seeing that he has played a masterful game and has five people following him like puppies.  And besides that who in their right mind would give a lunatic like Phillip a million bucks?  Maybe if we finally get Rob a Survivor victory he will leave reality TV forever and do something at home like, oh I don’t know, help out with his newborn baby perhaps?

The next morning Phillip was out on his rock and Steve and Ralph were hoping he’d jump.  Instead, Phillip was again visited by the wise Jessum Harry, his full blooded Cherokee great-great grandfather.  I have to say that Jessum is the man, although he is quite invisible to the rest of us.  Does anyone else think that Phillip is actually being visited by the Great Gazoo?  I can just imagine the conversation these two have…

Gazoo: Hello dumb dumb.

Phillip: Jessum?

G: Sure kid, whatever you want.

P: Please allow your spirit to guide me to my shorts.

G: Why?  I think the fuchsia undies are quite striking.

P: Grandpa Jessum please tell me where my shorts are.

G: Oh all right, but you have to stop bugging me the rest of the day and then start misquoting Jack Nicholson films.

P: Yes, of course.

G: It’s under a rock near the water.

P: Thank you Grandpa Jessum! 

And with that info Phillip went on the search for the shorts.  After checking the first rock he found nothing, but thanks to the spiritual guidance of the Great Gazoo, um Grandpa Jessum, Phillip found his shorts and began praising himself.  Phillip went back to camp with his shorts in hand (please just rinse them off and put them on) and proudly proclaimed that he found them without any clues.  Now, I’m not sure but I think the only clues that are set out are for the hidden immunity idol and not the hidden non-immunity shorts.  Was Phillip really expecting a struggle to find a clue hidden in a jar of cookies?  And really Phillip shouldn’t some of the credit go to Gazoo/Jessum?  But then Phillip fulfilled his destiny by completely butchering the most famous line from “A Few Good Men” (which I found to be completely boring) by saying my favorite line of the night.  “Don’t mess with the undercover specialist because he makes his living uncovering the truth.  And most people can’t stand the truth.  What did Jack Nicholson say to Tom Cruise?  Son, you can’t stand the truth.”  For the record the line was “you can’t handle the truth”.  But to Phillip it all makes perfect sense.  Frankly I think Phillip is becoming much more like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now than Colonel Jessep, but maybe that’s just me. 

Meanwhile over at Redemption Island Matt is crying and wondering why God is keeping him there.  Psst, Matt.  It’s me God.  You’re there because I am amused by it.  It’s making me laugh.  I love Survivor so much I cannot concentrate on anything else.

Phillip proudly displayed his shorts to Julie when she arrived at the RI challenge.  The challenge was to slide three pucks on shuffleboard, get past obstacles and land in the end zone.  The first two to get all three in the end zone would stay and the other would go and join the jury.  Well I guess it was no surprise that despite his desire to be done and go home, Matt was the first to get all three pucks in the end zone.  Mike followed with second place and poor shriveled apple faced Julie was done.  She was upset as her house apparently is in foreclosure, but thanks to Matt she has a renewed faith and said she plans to look for a church when she gets back home.  Now, I can only guess that this answered Matt’s question as to why he was still around.  God has Matt on a mission to convert all RI inhabitants to Christianity.  Probably not, but if that helps Matt get through the game then so be it.  Julie was off to enjoy some peanut butter and oatmeal.

After a little this and that back at camp it was time for the immunity/reward challenge.  Not only were they playing for immunity, but for a gigantic chocolate cake and ice cold milk.  Nice!  But wait, there’s more.  Jeff had a wrapped package that would have to remain unopened and brought to TC.  Basically it was just there to drive people nutty.  Also nice! 

It was a logrolling challenge.  Tribe members would go against each other two at a time and each winner would advance to the next round.  In round one Grant defeated Rob, Ashley defeated Andrea, Ralph defeated Steve, and Phillip defeated Natalie.  In round two Grant defeated Ashley and Ralph defeated Phillip.  So it was Grant vs. Ralph in the finals.  I put my money on Grant, but Ralph did a nice job of hanging in there by distracting Grant with all the hair on his body.  It looks like the guy is always wearing a sweater.  Anyway, Grant was victorious and won immunity and the cake.  Jeff told Grant to choose someone to share the cake with and it got kind of creepy.  Ralph pleaded his case by saying “I’d hug your neck if you let me eat some of it”.  I have to say that was not the kind of deal that Grant was expecting.  Ralph clarified by saying “I’m not a gay person”, but it didn’t matter.  No one wanted Ralph hugging their neck.  Grant made the obvious choice by picking Rob.  Rob is the master.  No doubt about it.  But when Jeff told Grant he could choose one more person to eat cake with him there was a decision to be made.  Would Grant give Ralph his wish and let him hug his neck or would he pick a hot girl?  Always, always, always pick a hot girl to eat cake with you.  Grant listened and picked Andrea which caused Natalie to give the biggest boo-boo face I have ever seen.  They only had two minutes to eat the cake and milk and it was quite messy.  The sight of Andrea covered in cake and frosting was kind of sexy.  Not nearly as sexy as when Ashley climbed out of the water after losing the challenge, but sexy nonetheless.

And now it is time for tonight’s funniest hillbilly moment.  Ralph told Steve…well, something unintelligible.  So Steve asked him to say it again and then Ralph said…well, I have no idea and apparently neither did Steve.  So Steve asked Ralph to say it one more time and Ralph thanks to subtitles we learned that Ralph said “There’s gonna be none tellin’ what happens” at which time we learned that what he said made more sense the first two times we heard it.

In what would be possibly the most maddening thing I have seen this season Steve made a move on Ashley and Natalie.  No, not that kind of move.  The man is almost 100 years old and these are two sexy, young women that could be his grandchildren.  Steve approached Ashley and Natalie and tried to explain to them his rationale for voting for Rob.  Steve said that he and Ralph would be voting for Rob and asked the girls to join them.  Now this was the move we have all been waiting for.  The three remaining girls joining forces with the last of the Zapatera and taking out the Robfather.  It would be a brilliant move.  The girls could then control the game and barring some sort of wackiness could make a final three of Natalie, Ashley & Andrea, otherwise known as the hottest final three ever.  Oh this was going to be fun.  Or as Ralph might say; none tellin’s what happen would next crispy rice.

So when Steve walked away Ashley brought it up with Natalie and said “that actually would work if we wanted Andrea in on it…but we don’t”.  Argh she does not see it.  She is blinded by loyalty to Rob so much that she immediately went to Rob and told him exactly what happened.  Why Ashley, why?  You are so sexy and obviously smart enough to get through nursing school, but you don’t see what Rob is doing.  You don’t see that he will be taking Phillip to the finals and not you.  And even if he does take you to the finals why would anyone vote for you?  You’ve made no moves that would warrant a million bucks.  Heck I should get at least $100K for writing about this stuff all season.  Why Ashley, why?

Off they went to TC and compared to recent trips tis one was pretty tame.  Steve basically proved he was an avid viewer of the show by correctly pointing out how Rob asked Lex to protect Amber and once he did he immediately got rid of him.  Rob pointed out that he did stay true to Amber, but unless they move to Utah it does not appear Rob will be taking Ashley, Natalie and Andrea home with him.  As it became time to vote Steve leaned over to Natalie and said "let's do it" which I am certain scared the living bejeezus out of her.  Natalie and the other girls cemented their loyalty to Rob and voted out Ralph who clearly wanted to leave without his torch.

It was then time to open the package.  Steve did so and found out it was another challenge, but this time one for memory. They would take the challenge and then immediately vote out someone else.  The producers made us think that Andrea would somehow get voted off before Steve, but we knew they were just toying with us.  The only way Steve was staying was if he won.  He did not, but Rob did and Steve was also sent to RI.

Now I am more than a little bit curious what is going to happen next at RI.  With four people there I would think it is time to have one final RI challenge with the winner, probably Matt, heading back to be voted out for a final time.  Seriously, is there any way Matt or any of them could get back in the game unless they won immunity every single time?  We shall see...