Survivor Redemption Island: Everybody was Wing Chun Kung Fu Fighting

What is the deal with Phillip and rice?  Whenever rice is around Phillip turns from mild mannered former federal agent (?) to a crazy lunatic.  Excuse me, but I must clarify that I mean nothing bad or racist by calling Phillip a crazy lunatic.  Crazy knows no color.  Just look at Charlie Sheen.  But before we delve into Phillip’s issues we must start at the top where we find Matt talking to the sky.

Poor Matt; so gullible, so dumb and still such a threat despite his wanting to get out of the game.  And who could blame him?  Matt has spent the majority of his time isolated on Redemption Island and despite his victories he is still public enemy number one to Rob.  Matt opened the show by praying to God and telling him/her that he wanted to get out of the game, but for some reason Matt was under the assumption that God wanted him to stay.  Let me explain something to Matt.  You have free will.  You have the right to choose whether or not you want to stay in the game.  It’s not God’s decision, it is yours.  You can quit at any time.  You could throw a challenge and walk away a free man.  God is not making you stay there. 

As I have said before God has a whole lot more on his/her platter than making Matt stay on a game show.  Let’s examine this for a moment.  This episode of Survivor was filmed last August & September so what did God have on his mind back then other than Matt?  Let’s take a peek into God’s day planner, shall we?

• Must get to work on that Tsunami to devastate Japan
• The Pygmies in The Congo are living as slaves to the Bantu.  Make sure the US stays entrenched in ridiculous wars in Iraq & Afghanistan so they ignore the human rights violations in The Congo.  Possibly start up something in Libya or some other country with oil.  Note to self: Ensuring there is no oil in The Congo will keep the US disinterested.  That worked in Rwanda. 
• Plan a royal wedding.  That’s a great distraction from the world’s problems and so much more important
• Have friends of Sir Griffin ridicule and harass him online and get him upset to the point where he will wonder why he considered such ill informed and closed minded lowlifes to be his friends.
• Convince millions that Justin Bieber has talent.
• Screw up the state of Florida and Wisconsin by making sure idiots are elected as governor.
• Unleash Charlie Sheen on the world.  Give him catch phrase.

So as you can see God is a very, very busy deity.  Give the guy/gal a break Matt.

At Murlonio Phillip is doing some sort of transcendental meditation or yoga on a big rock overlooking the ocean.  Too bad he’s got his eyes closed as he’s missing a great view.  Well at least the feather is still intact.  Anyway he once again mentions that he has been visited by his grandfather, Jessum Harry.  I wonder if old Jessum had the same problems with getting along with others.  It was at this point, as Phillip began discussing Buddhism, that I really started wishing for a show starring Phillip and Coach.  What about an updated version of The Odd Couple with Phillip playing Oscar and Coach as Felix?  Oscar would be this slob Buddhist in fuchsia underwear while Felix would be a warrior extolling stories of his great accomplishments.  They could get upset with each other and Oscar could get the gorilla and the lion to take on the dragon.  I would watch that and it could be on right before or after the Julie & Shambo reality show.  Awesome.

Speaking of Julie she was taking way too much rice for Phillip to keep quiet.  Phillip had become the Rice Police and complained that Julie ate seven and a half scoops of rice instead of the normal two that the former Ometepe tribe was taking.  You wouldn’t think this guy would have much to say after the crispy rice incident, but he did.  Can you imagine what Phillip is like in a Chinese restaurant?  “Waiter, that woman over there has eaten two bowls of rice while the rest of us have only had one.  Let me go and write her a ticket.”  Don’t even get him started on pork fried rice.

The Murlonio gang traveled to RI to watch the duel (or truel as was discussed by David & Mike) between Matt, Mike & David.  It was a house of cards challenge.  Each participant had a stack of 150 wooden cards that they had to pile eight feet high without allowing them to topple over.  The first two to complete the challenge would return to RI while the loser would become the first member of the jury.  David built himself a solid base, but it was Mike that reached the eight foot plateau first.  It seemed for a moment that his cards would topple as he struggled to get the final piece to balance on the top.  Mike was shaking and sweating, but somehow he managed to get his piece in place and stave off elimination.  Matt finished second and that was good enough to stay in the game.  David was officially through.

As Grant & Rob jokingly sand a song called “Rice Wars” things escalated.  Andrea opened the Ometepe rice and found…maggots.  Yuck.  She spread out the rice on a blanket and separated the good rice from the bad.  Once that was finished she had to find a place to keep it so she asked Steve if she could put it in his container.  Steve’s answer was a flat out no and frankly who can blame the guy.  The former Zapatera has been treated poorly since the merge so why help them out.

This is what got Phillip started on his tirade.  I have to say that it was incredibly entertaining to watch, but I was really feeling bad for all those caught in the middle.  When Phillip learned that Steve would not share their rice container with Andrea he went over himself to plead their case.  Steve again said no and Phillip threatened to take the rice container and hide it if Steve failed to allow them access.  Say what you will, but this sounds to me to be incredibly childish and verging on complete lunacy.  When Steve flat out called Phillip a lunatic Phillip played the race card saying that “anytime somebody of my color gets up in one of your faces then you feel like I’m a lunatic.  I’m crazy”. 

Now I am no expert on craziness, but when someone walks around camp in fuchsia underwear, bitches about not getting crispy rice, gets visits from his dead grandfather, wears a feather on his head, refers to himself as both a gorilla and a lion and self appoints himself to be the rice police you might think this person is crazy no matter what the color of their skin.  I still think Coach and Russell are crazy and from what I can tell neither of them is an African American. 
So essentially Phillip took an argument about rice and turned it to race.  Frankly I do not think it is a case of racism, but rather a case of ricism.  If you don’t mind me saying so Phillip went a little bit nutty and even used the N word twice.  That had to be more than a little uncomfortable.  But then Phillip said “I’m like a lot of black men.  We’re prepared to self destruct at any moment.”  Gee Phillip can we get away from stereotyping?  (I honestly thought he was describing postal workers not black men)  So if he is like a lot of black men then shouldn’t I be seeing a lot more black men claiming to be former federal agents while wearing feathers and saggy fuchsia undies hunting crabs with sticks and bitching about rice?

Phillip’s closing argument was to tell Steve that he was a Wing Chun Kung Fu expert” as most federal agents are I’m sure.  It was like the line in A Christmas Story after the lamp breaks and the only thing the Old Man can muster up to say is “not a finger”.  It was a last shot at ending the argument with dignity, but alas it failed. 

So off we go to the challenge.  It was a three part challenge that Phillip had essentially no chance of winning.  First the competitors had to spin in a circle to release a big circle thing off a pole then set it on a table and complete a puzzle.  The first six to do so would advance to the final round which involved completing another puzzle.  While Steve put in a valiant effort it was Rob that won immunity.  He did not need it, but he had it anyway. 

Back at camp it appeared that even though Russell was long gone his spirit still lived with shrunken apple faced Julie.  (Note to Julie: Have exorcism performed immediately to get Russell’s spirit released)  Julie took Phillip’s swim trunks and buried them.  I had to laugh as it was Julie’s finest moment of the season.  Eagle eyed Phillip noticed that his shorts were missing and as a former federal agent he could easily tell who did so naturally he blamed Steve.  So it was off to Tribal Council in the saggy fuchsia panties and feather.

Jeff immediately gave Phillip a look when he walked in and, to his credit, did not burst out in hysterical laughter.  Phillip relayed the story of the missing shorts and labeled Steve as the culprit.  It was a fairly volatile council with a rehash of the racism/ricism story.  Jeff played it cool and brokered at least a partial truce by getting Steve and Phillip to understand where each other was coming from.  You have to hand it to Jeff and I have a whole lot of things I want Jeff in charge of starting with the NFL labor negotiations.  It’s not like he got Phillip and Steve to hug and plant flowers together, but it was good nonetheless.  Jeff even asked who stole the shorts and Julie immediately confesses.  I tell you what, get Jeff in there and he will have all kinds of people confessing to crimes.  I can see another new show in this called Jeff Probst: Peace Broker & Crime Solver starring Jeff Probst as Jeff Probst. 

All the former Zapatera tribe voted for Phil (well, technically Ralph voted for Phile, but I think that counted) while the former Ometepe targeted Julie.  So Julie was out and sent to RI with one of the best parting lines ever: “Guess you’re never gonna find your shorts”.  Classic.  I will say that I was a bit confused with the choice of Julie.  I know Rob wants to make sure that Matt is ousted, but is Julie the right person to do so?  Maybe, but I have not seen much from her in challenges that makes me think she can beat the dude with God on his side.  Time will tell. 

I do have to give Julie her props for leaving in a classy way and then arriving at RI and trying to scare the guys.  Funny stuff, although I don’t think they were all that scared.  Now if Phillip had shown up in the saggy panties I think they’d have been terrified.

Until next time my friends…