Survivor: South Pacific: The Little Cochran that Could

I’m just telling you now that if anyone calls me by my first name I am going to go nuts.  I am the Big Blogger damn it!  No one has called me by my first name since I was eight.  Even my parents call me the Big Blogger.  Even before there was such a thing as a blogger I was called the Big Blogger.  Now, I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but Coach?  Well he went nuts a long time ago so I am guessing he has no clue, but we’ll delve into that with a little more detail later.

Our show began as so many others have in the past, with Brandon crying and saying bad things about Mikayla.  Seriously, this guy has a lot of issues and maybe tossing him out in front of cameras with a bunch of strangers was not the best idea.  I know they do all sorts of psychological testing before sending anyone out, but I think they just gave Brandon a pass due to the Hantz name.  Who would have thought that Russell would be the more stable member of

the Hantz family?

Over at Redemption Island Stacey and Christine bonded once again and talked about how Coach was running the whole tribe.  Stacey vowed that at the duel she would spill the beans about Coach to the other team.  And I guess she did, however, most of what she said was unintelligible gibberish.  First she decided she would only refer to Coach with his given name of Benjamin.  I was okay with that, but as we would find out later a certain Benjamin was not.  Other than that I really could not follow a thing she said.  I turned to Lady Gianna if she got anything out of Stacey’s rant and all she could figure out was something about Coach, I mean Benjamin, liking “Chucky the Cheese and Halloween jokes”.  This is something we apparently have not been privy to as of yet.  I really would love to hear some “Chucky the Cheese” jokes.  Is Chucky the Cheese the lesser cousin of Chuck E Cheese?  Regardless she may have also spilled the beans that Benjamin was running things with Sophie and Albert. 

Anyway the challenge was one we have seen before where the contestants would place a ball in a spiral thing and have to catch it when it comes out the bottom.  Little by little more balls would be added until it was a veritable free for all.  Stacey was not one to figure out any sort of strategy and just kept adding balls as soon as Jeff told her that she had ten seconds to add another.  Christine, on the other hand, wisely used her 10 seconds to space the balls out so she could easily get them in her hands.  No surprise that Stacey eventually dropped the ball and was ultimately out of the game for good. 

Now Dawn and Whitney were thrilled to have this info and headed back to share the good news.  Mikayla & Albert were not as happy and went back and told Coach that Stacey called him Benjamin.  Well, Coach did not take this lightly at all and proclaimed that he would go nuts if anyone called him Benjamin.  Frankly I would have jumped on this opportunity and called him Benji, but that’s just me.  So Benjamin has been called Coach since he was 18 and even his parents call him Coach?  Does that seem odd to anyone else?  It’s one thing to have a self proclaimed nickname and constantly refer to yourself in the third person, but then to drag your poor parents into this?  That’s going a bit too far. 

Albert was so worried after being outed as the number two of Coach (that sounds gross, but it will get worse later my friends) that he began an ardent search for the hidden immunity idol.  He found the clue, but was unable to find the idol itself.  So, being an idiot, Albert shared the clue with Coach and Sophie.  I am constantly amazed at the stupidity of the people on this show.  One thing you cannot do is trust everyone else blindly.  It’s idiotic to share any advantage you have with someone else who will eventually try and get rid of you.  With the clue now out in the open Coach went in prayer to his best buddy Jesus and then magically found the idol.  Now, the clue was pretty basic and if he just kept looking in every crack and crevice in the trees on the beach he would have found it.  I do not believe for a second that Jesus led Coach to the idol.  First of all, Jesus would know him as Benjamin.  You can’t expect a deity to call you by a nickname.  But now Coach has the idol and not Albert.  Does anyone think Coach will share that idol with Albert?  Maybe Albert should bring this up with Jesus.

At Savaii Ozzy and Elyse snuggled while Cochran worked.  It kind of reminded me of that old “Grasshopper and the Ants” fable by

Aesop.  Not sure why as Cochran was not really storing up for the winter, but rather just trying to make himself more valuable and when Ozzy goes fishing he catches some serious fish, but whatever.  Ozzy asked Cochran how to spell his name and he replied by telling him he would not need to know how.  That was obvious later as we will learn. 

When Whitney and Dawn returned they told everyone what they thought Stacey might have said.  They did get the gist across that Coach was in charge and Albert was his number two.  (I’m sorry, but that just makes me laugh)  This is where Ozzy made a seemingly innocuous comment that Jim heard and ran with.  Ozzy said that it would be wise to get rid of Albert.  After hearing this Jim immediately realized that if Ozzy felt this was the right move for Coach then why would that not be the right move for Ozzy to get rid of himself or Keith.  For what it’s worth, right now Jim may be the best player in the game.  At the very least this is how the game should be played; look for any opening you can and sneak through it.  You have to outwit your fellow castaways and thus far Jim is doing it the best. 

The immunity challenge was disgusting.  Each tribe had a roasted pig on a spit that they would have to bite off chunks of and then put them in a basket, all with their hands tied behind their back.  Whichever team had the most weight in their basket would win.  The pigs were glazed and coated with plenty of barbecue sauce which led to plenty of drooling and spitting.  The winning tribe would not only get immunity, but also would get a basket of goodies and the pork that they had just goobered all over themselves and each other.  According to Cochran they would also receive herpes of the mouth.  Now with that pleasant thought in your head just imagine people ripping a pig apart with their teeth, dropping it in a basket, pulling chunks of pork out of each other’s teeth and grabbing pork off the ground.  It was probably the most disgusting challenge I’ve ever seen.  However, it led to my favorite line of the night when Jeff yelled out “Coach, gnawing on something big”.  One can only imagine what would have happened if he had called him Benjamin.  Upolu won by a measly two ounces and went back to enjoy their delicious “gnawed on pig” dinner. 

Savaii now had to decide who was going to get voted out next and this is where Jim took over.  Jim approached Keith and told him his interpretation of Ozzy’s offhanded remark and Keith was seemingly in agreement.  Cochran was thrilled by this as Ozzy had made it clear to everyone that it was time to get rid of him.  Jim had determined that the best plan was to break up the cuddly bear alliance between Ozzy and Elyse and while he was correct I still would have picked Ozzy as the one to go.  However, I am sure that Jim saw that getting people on board to get rid of Elyse was easier than getting people to backstab Ozzy. 

Apparently Keith and Whitney had also formed a sort of mini alliance and discussed this together.  Once I got past how much Whitney had ruined her otherwise picture perfect body with a bevy of really stupid looking tattoos, I listened to their banal conversation.  I gotta think that these two got together for no other reason than they have ridiculous tattoos under theirs arms.  Whitney has what appears to be a novel while Keith has the solar system.  Not sure if he included Pluto or not.  Anyway they did not want to break their alliance and loyalty to Ozzy so they pondered if it would be better to throw their votes at someone that was neither Cochran nor Elyse.  I just have to say that this no vote concept has been done before and it’s stupid.  It is still going to piss off Ozzy and you have gained nothing.  Just grab yourself by the ridiculous tattoo and make a decision.  It’s these non committal issues that make you look weak.  Take a stand or go with the flow, but don’t just pretend that nothing is really happening.

At Tribal Council our castaways complained about their aching mouths, broken teeth and cut up lips.  Poor babies.  Cochran also complained about his teeth shifting which may or may not have been a result of herpes he contracted during the challenge.  Ozzy and Elyse voted for Cochran, or in Ozzy’s case “Coch-Train”, as expected.  We knew that Jim already had Dawn and Cochran on his side to vote for Elyse and they did.  Talk about needing a spelling lesson!  None of them spelled her name correctly.  We had Lys, Elice and Elise for crying out loud.  But Whitney and Keith paved the way for Elyse to be sent to RI by throwing their votes to Dawn, which surprised her.  But no one was more surprised than Elyse.  She looked utterly shocked to have gotten just one vote let alone the necessary votes for her ouster.  Ozzy, as expected, will be headed back to camp in an angry mood.  Jim had succeeded in throwing a monkey wrench into the proceedings.  If he can get either Keith or Whitney to stand up for themselves he could have charge of the entire tribe if he doesn’t already. 

I am truly looking forward to next week to see Ozzy go nuts.  Hey, maybe they should start calling him Benjamin.