Survivor: South Pacific: Ozzy throws a Tantrum

Can someone please explain to me who or what Coach is winking and saluting to?  I cringe every time he does it.  He gets this shit eating grin and salutes.  Why?  To what purpose?  Is he saluting the camera operators?  Is there a hot girl behind the scenes that he is winking at?  Does he suddenly see his reflection in a mirror and then pronounce his undying love for himself?  Oh wait, he loves Brandon now and Brandon loves Coach, but we’ll delve into that later.

Our episode began with a very angry Ozzy throwing a fit over Elyse being voted out at TC.  Now if he had been complaining that the hottest girl on either tribe had just been ousted that would be one thing, but Ozzy was whining and crying because they did it behind his back.  Oh boo hoo Ozzy, haven’t you played this game enough to know how it is played?  Instead of just manning up and refocusing his efforts to be indispensible to the tribe, Ozzy declares himself a free agent and out of all alliances.  That was dumb because where exactly would he go?  It’s not like there’s another team he can sign on with right now.  But as dumb as that was, nothing was dumber than when he told everyone that he had the hidden immunity idol.  You already know how I truly believe that you tell no one that you have found the idol, but to tell your entire tribe out of spite is beyond ridiculous.  No man is an island, but Ozzy decided to give it his best shot.  To their credit, the rest of Savaii found his rant to be childish and they were indeed correct.

At Redemption Island Christine and Elyse would battle it out in a game of shuffleboard.  Not real shuffleboard, but the survivor version where you have to knock all your opponent’s pucks off the table.  Amazingly, Ozzy was there with Keith (Hey, I thought he was a free agent) to observe as were Sophie and Cowboy Guy.  It’s rare that we ever see Cowboy Guy (sorry, I just have no idea what his name is.  It’s not like we’ve seen him before) so this was a treat.  I thought that Christine had completely forgotten him as well, but then she offered a salute of her own to him and Sophie which made me realize that yep, she remembered.  Christine’s salutes are much better and more subtle that the ones from Coach:

• They are aimed at someone in particular that we can actually see
• She disguises them well under the guise of scratching her nose and
• She doesn’t stop until after it’s way too uncomfortable to watch

Despite that salute, Elyse chose not to offer any salute of her own, though it would have been really awesome if she had mooned Keith.  Mooned Keith?  Like Keith Moon?  Coincidence or not? Discuss.

Elyse

Anyway, despite the fact that neither of the ladies had anything close to the skill needed to slide a puck across a table, Christine one when she had the only puck left on the table.  Elyse was done for good and we watched in sadness as those sexy legs walked off the show for good. 

Meanwhile, why does Edna have that thing back on her head?  Argh!

Brandon, whose only occupation remains being Russell’s nephew, decided to channel the inner Hantz and began searching for the clue to the hidden immunity idol.  True to his name, Brandon found the clue and then immediately went and told Coach and Albert.  Naturally you want everyone to know the good stuff.  As we all know Coach is already in possession of said idol, yet he decided to play things the classy way and allow Brandon to search for what may have been hours looking for it.  Coach was amazed at how much Brandon resembled Russell when he walked, but to me he looked more like that rat chasing the acorn in those Ice Age films.  With all the loyalty talk that happened later (which we will get to, I promise) it’s going to be interesting to see how Brandon reacts when he finds out Coach had the idol the whole time.  I can only imagine Brandon watching last night’s episode at home while simultaneously being chastised by Uncle Russell.  Brandon, naturally, came up empty, but was too dense to figure out why.  He’s all about the loyalty/honesty thing and trusts Coach way too much.

Goodbye Elyse

Let’s break for just a second here and ask this question: Why are Coach and Ozzy still on the show to begin with?  I’d have gotten rid of these clowns at the very beginning.  I’m just saying…

After this fun, Edna decided that she would try and get as close to Coach as possible.  No Edna, run away!  Run as far from Coach as you can and take your hat.  So while Edna tried her best to get on the good side of Coach (which I honestly do not believe exists) Ozzy went into full apology mode saying that his behavior was out of line.  (Have you learned anything Savaii?  Get rid of this guy ASAP)   Damage done Ozzy, damage done.

The challenge was not only for immunity, but for a reward consisting of a lunch feast at a natural water slide.  On paper, the challenge was not too difficult, but that’s why they play the game.  Each tribe would build a wheelbarrow, maneuver it through a maze, collect a load of coconuts and then dump them in a box.  The rest of the tribe would then convert the wheelbarrow into a giant slingshot and then fire coconuts until they knocked down five targets.

Upolu took an early lead as Savaii was absolutely inept in guiding that wheelbarrow through the maze.  You could just see the anger of Ozzy as they continually got it stuck and fell further behind.  I think he wanted to be a free agent again.  Of course when it came time to get the coconuts into the wheelbarrow Ozzy had trouble getting his coconuts to drop so it was failure all around.  But then came Jim to the rescue.  Well, Jim and the fact that Mikayla could not hit a single target for Upolu with her fabulous one handed technique.  A technique that I could certainly overlook since she is so hot.  However, Coach is not enamored with boobs like Brandon and me.  No, he wants to win at all costs.  So despite the fact that he was only marginally better than Mikayla at the challenge he kept “suggesting” that Mikayla was tired and should allow Albert and himself to handle her coconuts. (I’ve had the dream that I was handling Mikayla’s coconuts more than once) Mikayla obviously did not get what Coach was telling and just said she was not tired.  So instead of Coach actually acting like a coach and benching her, he just offered up suggestions.  Not a particularly good coaching effort if you ask me (and you did).  Jim rescued Savaii and knocked down all the targets to win the challenge, immunity and the trip to the natural water slide.

The meal looked delicious and Ozzy kind of looked like he was still trying to make up with his tribe by putting a big ass sandwich on Dawn’s plate.  Also, the sight of Whitney sliding down the rocks in a bikini was far more exciting than seeing Cochran do the same thing. 

Whitney Duncan

Back at Upolu Coach declared that they win as a team and they lose as a team, but we know that’s just a line a crap.  We know that because when he was not around his tribe he relentlessly blamed Mikayla for losing the challenge.  He should have been blaming himself for his asinine lack of coaching, but then again Coach is just a blowhard and can’t back up what he says.  Coach declared that Mikayla had to go based on loyalty, but in reality it’s because he has Edna (and her hat) in his pocket and not Mikayla.

Albert and Sophie decided that voting out Mikayla was the wrong thing to do.  They wisely realized that Edna (and her hat) brings nothing to the tribe.  She has no strength for the challenges while Mikayla is athletic despite her one armed bandit slingshot technique.  They were unable to get Brandon on their side despite the fact that he agreed with them.  So that left Cowboy Guy stuck in the middle with the swing vote.  Off to TC we go. 

At TC it was a question of loyalty vs. strength and which was more important.  Sophie and Albert made their case and Coach made his.  Cowboy Guy just sat there looking confused.  But then it was Brandon time.  I swear I thought he was going to start crying again, but instead he started rambling again about loyalty and marijuana and smoking and whatever else suddenly popped into his feeble mind.  Mikayla, and rightly so, declared that Brandon has had it in for her since day one and she has no idea why.  It’s your boobs sweetie.  He loves them, but not as much as he loves Coach, and he cannot have those near him.  Brandon actually had my favorite line of the night when he said “This next challenge is absolutely detrimental to the way this game turns out”.   Um, sure Brandon, whatever you say.  Then he called out Albert for backing out of the loyal six that they had to begin with and then invited all to vote him out if loyalty was not going to be honored.  Frankly I’d have taken him up on that. 

I have news for you Brandon: despite the fact that you don’t want to

Hang in there Mikayla

hear it, you are playing a game.  If you are familiar with this game at all you should know that alliances change and sometimes you need strength more than loyalty.  You should also realize that Coach has taken control of the game and practically has Edna (and her hat) tattooed on his chest.  You want to win?  Make a move.  Make a bold move and whether it works or not you live with it.  You have to take chances.  You apparently do not realize it, but no one is being totally honest with you.  You don’t have to be either.  Stop relying on God to guide you.  Sometimes you have to make a decision on your own.

After Brandon was done rambling he and Coach exchanged their love for each other in a classic “I love you man” way.  It’s a beautiful bromance and that is a gift from the Survivor gods. 

In the end, Cowboy Guy proved that he is weak and unable to break from the spell of Coach and voted out the beautiful and sexy Mikayla.  She’ll have her chance at RI next week and we’ll see what happens.  I imagine that Christine and Mikayla will both have itchy noses when their former tribe stops by.