Survivor Nicaragua: Smushed Bananas

NaOnka

Good day my friends,

I am not a big fan of reality TV.  I do not care about watching Kardashians do anything, a glorified karaoke contest or a bunch of idiots in Jersey.  In fact I only watch two shows in the reality genre:  Survivor and The Amazing Race.  I have watched both from the beginning and have not missed an episode of either.  That is one of the reasons that I find it so strange that Jimmy Johnson said that Survivor was much more difficult than he ever imagined.  I know it is difficult and I know that I would be miserable and absolutely hate it if I was there.  I’d go nuts.  Why would I do poorly on Survivor?

1. There is no way I am eating a snail.
2. I don’t eat fish of any kind.
3. I’m lazy.
4. People that are like NaOnka and Jimmy T.

Has there ever been a more frightening P.E. Teacher than NaOnka?  Seriously, this woman is absolutely nuts and if I was a kid and she was my teacher I’d spend every day at school crying.  Now I was never a big fan of P.E. when I was a kid anyway, but this girl would make it worse.  In actuality I hated P.E. with a passion.  I was not ever a physically agile person and I have never had any talent for any sports.  If we were choosing teams for softball or football I was always the last one picked.  When we had to run a race I was always the last one to finish.  My least favorite thing every year is when Mr. Reese had us run the 440.  The 440 was the equivalent of a marathon for children.  I would guess now by the name that it was a 440 yard race, but to an eight year old kid it seemed like 440 miles.  I ran that damned race for six years of elementary school and I only finished out of last place once and that was only because Derek Parker started throwing up and I was able to pass him.  It was my finest moment.  Huh?  What’s that?  I’ve gone off on a tangent?  So sorry.  Back to Survivor now.

The show started off with the La Flor tribe returning from tribal council.  NaOnka noted that everyone was being all lovey dovey and such with each other like nothing had happened.  She would be having none of it and at this point if we had not known already that she was a bitter and mean person we knew it now.  NaOnka continued her attacks on Fabio and Kelly B. who she apparently hates with a passion simply because she only has one leg.  Go figure.  More on those two later.

Over at Espada, Marty’s hatred of Jimmy J continued to grow.  Why I do not understand at all.  JJ is a proven leader and motivator.  Why would you not want this guy around?  No one is going to give a millionaire celebrity a million dollars at the end.  It just does not happen that way.  But clearly we saw that Marty was not all there when he allowed Jill to convince him to show everyone in the tribe that he had the hidden immunity idol.  What is it with these people on this show and their inability to keep a secret?  It’s a HIDDEN immunity idol for crying out loud.  If you find it you keep it HIDDEN!  Stupid people!  Jill was under the impression that if the idol was out in the open that it would make the tribe stronger post merger.  Marty apparently agreed, but if they keep playing so well on those challenges and getting rid of strong players then there will not be many of them left post merger.  Jill got even more on my bad side later in the show, but we’ll get to that.

The challenge was once again for both immunity and reward.  I certainly hope they start doing one of each again like they usually do, but for now we seem to be stuck with one challenge per episode.  Maybe they think the old folks can’t handle challenges in consecutive days.  Today’s challenge though was pretty simple:  Roll some barrels past a line, set them up and then toss some sandbags on top of them.  The first team to have bags on all ten barrels wins reward and immunity.  The reward was some fruit, spices and an herb garden.  La Flor still had the medallion of power and chose not to use it.  Had they done so they would have had the advantage of two barrels already in place with sandbags already on top.  They said they could still beat Espada without the advantage while giving the old people the evil eye.

I will tell you that Dan from Espada was about useless in this challenge.  The guy can barely walk and moves at a snails pace.  I am guessing now that those $1600.00 alligator shoes may have been what gave him his power.  Kind of like the Green Lantern and his ring.  But the real annoyance from Espada came from Jimmy T.  They had gotten the barrels in place fairly efficiently despite Dan and gave Tyrone the opportunity to toss the sandbags on top of them.  Ty was doing a great job until he got to the barrels that were farther away and then he started to miss repeatedly.  Jimmy T started rambling like a kid in P.E. class that he wanted his turn.  “I want a shot at this” he said, followed by “You’re wasting me back here”.  Oh boy, what a loser and a whiner.  Jimmy T did get his shot, but by my recollection he only got one barrel and La Flor won easily. 

So La Flor made the right move and kept the medallion for themselves and this now gives them a decided advantage over Espada in the next challenge unless they get too cocky.  Should they forgo the medallion and lose then they have a problem, but if they use it next time and win then they have a two person advantage that they could easily take to the merge in a few weeks.  When Kelly B and NaOnka picked up the basket to carry back to camp they both spotted the note that was obviously the clue to the hidden immunity idol.  Why they did not grab it right there and then I do not know.  It was suggested to me that they were not allowed to get it until they got back to camp and that very well may be the case for when they got back to camp and set down the basket both NaOnka and Kelly B dove for the basket like pelicans diving for a fish.  It was quite a battle and the rest of the tribe was as confused as ever.  I can only imagine that Fabio was thinking that they both wanted the same banana.  NaOnka came out victorious with the clue and all Fabio could see was a squished banana.  I am actually surprised that NaOnka did not rip Kelly’s leg right off of her and start beating her with it. 

NaOnka left immediately to search for the clue, but could not decipher it at all.  That would be known as karma my friends.  You don’t say crap like “Hopefully I’ll push you so hard that your damn leg will fall off” and get away with it when the Survivor gods are watching.  Nope, not a chance.  I do have to thank NaOnka though for explaining to all of us the difference between going ghetto and going hood.  That was helpful.

Back at La Flor Marty continued his tirade against Jimmy J and asked Jill what she thought.  Jill replied with an emphatic “I don’t care”.  This pissed me off.  How could you not care?  You are in the jungle with these people and are depending on your team for survival in challenges and at camp.  You have Jimmy J who works his ass off at camp and you have Dan who limps around when he occasionally gets the urge to get off his ass.  And you don’t care?  You also have Jimmy T the loudmouth who essentially proclaimed the greatest ever when he said “I’ve always had a high opinion of myself”.  Whenever someone who is only 48 and looks at least 20 years older says something that dumb you gotta, gotta, gotta have an opinion.  Jill is too dumb for me.  I no longer have any respect for her.

At tribal council we had a fairly uneventful discussion.  We had the hard working, reliable motivator Jimmy J getting denied his opportunity to fulfill the rest of his dream by being on Survivor for the long haul.  I had hoped he would have been around long enough to be on the jury, but no.  Third one out and that sucks.  This was a very dumb move in my opinion and we shall see how it plays out.  At this point in the game it is all about keeping your tribe strong and these dim bulbs kept useless Dan who probably should have brought a cane instead of alligator shoes and got rid of a leader who worked hard at camp and in every challenge.  I personally hope to see La Flor walk all over Marty and his crew of idiots in the weeks to come.

I just realized I wrote this whole thing and said nothing about my favorite contestant, Purple Kelly.  I can correct that now by reminding you that Purple Kelly is way hot!  Oh my gosh I really hope she sticks around and gets more airtime.  Just look at her in that bikini!  Totally sexy even in the jungle.  Reminds me of my lovely Natalie from a couple of seasons ago.  I think if they ever started a reality show with Purple Kelly and Natalie I may have to give it a try.  If nothing else we should team them up for The Amazing Race.

Stay thirsty my friends.

Sir Griffin Stromboli