Survivor Nicaragua: Two Tribal Councils
I know you are all probably very upset that there was no Survivor update after last weeks show and I must apologize for that. However, Sir Griffin was out of town celebrating his birthday and just did not have the opportunity to write anything down. But I am back again this week to give you all the update you so desire.
What do the producers of this show have against Purple Kelly? Why does she get virtually no screen time? We never talk to her, we never see anyone else talk to her and we suffer. The hottest girl you have on the show this season is being completely ignored. I do not understand this at all. I am begging the producers to give us more Purple Kelly!
Now, what happened last night? Well we had gimpy Dan whining and complaining about the rain, the cold and the wind. Dan told Holly he wanted to quit. Thus far this season we have had Holly wanting to quit, NaOnka wanting to quit and now Dan. What is with these people? Do they not understand the game and what this is like? For what it’s worth if someone wants to quit you have to get rid of them. Their heart is not in the game and they are essentially worthless to have around. Yet, we still have all three of our quitters hanging around. Why?
Our first and only challenge of the day came with a bit of a twist. They would not be playing for tribe immunity, but rather for individual immunity and each tribe would be headed to tribal council. Nice twist. But it got better. The person that won individual immunity would also win a feast of steak and chicken kabobs for their tribe that they would get to eat while the losing tribe watched. Awesome. The challenge was simple: dig up a little round rope in the sand with a paddle and toss it with the paddle behind you into a little bucket strapped to your butt. Once you got one in you would have to run down and put it on a pole and then dig again. The first one done would win immunity and then play the winner from the other tribe in a duel to the death. No, wait. That’s not it. They would simply have to play a little toss game and get the ropes onto a nail on a board. Not that exciting, but I suppose it involves less lawsuits.
I really do not want to get into the details of the challenge except to say that it looked funny when everyone tossed their rope in the air and then stuck their butt out to catch it. I was eagerly awaiting the chance to see Purple Kelly do this as her tribe went second, but alas the cameras never went to her. Damn the producers. You have a hot girl with an ass that people in small countries worship and you ignore her? Grrrrrrrrrr. Jill won for La Flor and Holly won for Espada. Jill won the tossing game and La Flor got the feast which looked pretty good except when watching Marty eat.
Back at La Flor camp we spent some quality time watching Purple Kelly lying sexily on the beach. Sorry, that’s what they would have been doing if I was the producer. Actually if I was the producer we’d have an all female cast with hot blonds with big boobs playing against hot brunettes with big boobs followed by season two of more blonds with big boobs vs. redheads with big boobs. Why I am not in charge of TV programming I have no idea.
We were treated next to Marty and his electrically shocked hair talking to Fabio. Poor Fabio. He seems like such a nice guy, but he’s really dumb. He is the ultimate in comic relief. Marty (and his hair) told Fabio that he was a chess grandmaster. And not only is he a grandmaster, but as a child he had twice beaten the great Guillermo Vilas. Considering that Vilas was a very good tennis player and not a chess grandmaster that is frankly not that impressive. I was waiting to hear of Marty’s triumphs over other “chess” greats Ilie Nastase and Bjorn Borg. Fabio bought this hook line and sinker and said it seemed obvious now that he knew that Marty was of course a chess grandmaster. Marty is not a chess grandmaster. Those of us with the ability to think knew this already, but just for those people that don’t think (pretty much the same people that believe dinosaurs lived together with humans and that Sarah “Pig” Palin is a viable political candidate) Marty told us so.
La Flor was first up at tribal council. Now we know that Marty had the hidden immunity idol and Brenda had a plan to flush it out. Split the vote 3-3 between Marty and Kelly B. Was Purple Kelly good with this plan? We don’t know because she has apparently gone missing. Oh wait; there was a brief shot of her at tribal. Damn she’s cute! Anyway, Brenda ruffled Marty’s hair a little by saying he was targeting Jane. Marty got all up in arms while Fabio was thinking that the chess grandmaster might know what that little horsey piece is for. It was at this point that I was sure that Marty would play the idol. He had just been called out by Brenda, albeit a tad unfairly, and had to know that he was a target. He told his cohorts to vote Brenda. Jane would be having none of that. Jeff tallied the votes and asked if anyone wanted to play the idol. Silence. Sash looked at Marty, but Marty was a stone statue and stayed put. The vote came out three for Marty, three for Kelly B and two for Brenda. At this point I knew with 100% certainty that Marty would be gone in the tiebreaker vote. Because in a tiebreaker Marty and Kelly B could not vote and the rest would have to vote for either one of them. Jill would vote for Brenda, but the rest most certainly would vote for Marty. Why would you vote off one of your own when you could get rid of Marty and the immunity idol in one swoop? Well, that’s the question of the day because I was stunned when the vote came out 5-1 in favor of voting out Kelly B. What?!?! Are you people seriously that stupid? Apparently so, but why? Because of the one leg? Seriously? And Kelly B goes off quietly while Marty lives to play at least another six days should he choose to play the idol.
As La Flor stepped aside and was treated to their feast, Espada was brought in for La Flor to observe and taunt. NaOnka refused to watch them eat. I know if I was there I probably would have run over and sat in Purple Kelly’s spot and eaten since she probably was not there anyway since we NEVER EVER SEE HER! So as they ate the fine folks of Espada began their tribal council. Jeff asked gimpy Dan if anything ever bothered him to which he replied no, nothing at all. Nothing Dan? Do you recall wanting to quit because of the rain, cold and wind? You call that nothing Gimpy Dan? Holly called him out on that and also on the fact that Dan said he did not need the money since he had a Ferrari and three houses. If there was ever a reason to vote a guy out tonight was the night. Dan can hardly walk and he is wealthy. He is no help in challenges and he does not need the money so I was 100% sure that it was his night to go. Oh sure, Dan complained about Yve, but she is kind of cute and has a nice rack plus she is tough in all of the challenges. Dan can hardly walk. Easy choice. So Jeff tallied up the votes and…what?!?!? Are you kidding me? You make the choice to keep one of the most worthless players in Survivor history and get rid of someone who can actually help you win a challenge? Are you the stupidest people in the world? Well, if you watch Glenn Beck and are members of that idiotic tea party then yes, you are the stupidest people in the world. Regardless of that you are all pretty darn dumb because you think Yve will be a threat down the road. Sure she may be just that, but right now she is a strong teammate not a gimpy old fart.
Two tribal councils and two utterly ridiculous votes. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. We’ll see what happens next week when Fabio apparently decides to relieve himself during a challenge. Until next time my friends…
You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s.
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